I never thought I would be quoting Kenny Rogers, but alas it's appropriate. As you know, I have been taking care of our friend's baby Logan in the afternoons when I get home from work. I had him every weekday afternoon from 3:15 to anywhere from 5:30 to 7:30. I have mentioned before that I was overwhelmed.
About a month ago, I told Jason and Leah that I wasn't going to be able to do it any longer. I hated having to give up and that is really what it felt like at first. I felt like a failure and I absolutely hate feeling like a failure.
My reasoning really came down to one thing, I was lost. Yes there was the fact of caring for 2 infants, but that wasn't my driving force. My driving force was that I had zero time in my day to even breath. My schedule went something like this...
5:47 - Alarm goes off
6:05 - Get out of bed reluctantly after hitting snooze twice
7:05 - Leave the house after rushing through a shower, breakfast, nursing Ainsley, and getting both of us dressed
7:20 - Arrive at MaryBeth's house for a quick drop off and rush to work
7:45 - Arrive at work for a high pressured day of programming computers (stopping twice to pump - BLAH!!!)
2:30 - Leave work to rush to MaryBeth's to pick up Ainsley
2:45 - Spend 2 minutes with MaryBeth getting the run down of Ainsley's day
3:15 - Arrive at home to meet Leah and Logan (sometimes in my driveway when I got there)
7:00 - Put Ainsley to bed (sometimes with Logan still here)
8:00 - Pull dinner out to eat
9:30 - Pump again
10:30 - Off to bed to start it all over again
So what that tells me is that there was not a single second to just relax. I know as a mother that's not unusual. But there was no time for me to change out of work clothes, go to the bathroom, or even eat lunch.
My big thing was that I was feeling like there was nothing left for Ryan. I think it's easy to fall into the trap of letting your baby become everything while neglecting your husband. This is very dangerous but I think a lot of mothers do it. My mother in law and I were just talking about it yesterday. Ryan and I have a great marriage after 9 years, but I would be lying if I said that the addition of a baby hasn't made things much harder. The addition of 2 made it near impossible. This is something I'm not willing to sacrifice for anything.
My second biggest thing was the lunch thing. My work has weird policies about smells and foods at your desk so I couldn't eat anything but snacks. After my second day in a row of eating a full row of Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies for lunch, I knew it was time for a change.
My third thing was the lack of time for physical activity. I had no time to exercise or even enjoy the NC spring weather. My goal now is to start using my baby jogger at least 3 times a week. My friend Jessica and I are committing to run an easy 2 mile race in June. I know it's not much but it gives me a goal.
So on Monday I start my new schedule. I have to work to 3:30 to incorporate a 30 minute lunch break and to make up some of the cost of the additional day care costs. I am actually really excited to make this change. I will miss seeing Logan, Leah, and Jason on a daily basis but I think they understand. Here's to knowing your limits!
A Different Path of Totality
2 weeks ago