A Year in Review

I thought I would review my year. What better way to do that than to go back through my blog. Want to take a trip down memory lane with me? Here goes


January
Ainsley Started eating solids
Ainsley learned to roll over

February
I started watching Logan
Ainsley got Croup
I had a huge project at work roll out
I appreciated the women in my life

March
Taylor got cancer
March Madness captivated me AGAIN
Ainsley started looking like me

April
Taylor had many hang ups after his cancer surgery
Taylor's final pathology came back clear after both surgeries
I stopped watching Logan
We got chickens

May
I celebrated mother's day
Ainsley ate Tucker's tooth
We took Ainsley to the beach for the first time

June
Ainsley found a soul mate
We enjoyed our garden
Ainsley became more like me

July
We headed to the Adirondacks
Ainsley turned 1
Ainsley was SO BIG

August
I was in the desert
Libby got cancer

September
Kate got married in NYC
Ainsley outgrew reflux

October
I went through first time mommy panic
Ryan and I celebrated a kissable moment
Grandma turned 90

November
My love of Lists grew
We all got sick
I got a new kitchen

December
Ainsley spread cheer
Ainsley started to look like her cousin


I can't believe all those things happened this year.  Some of them seemed like yesterday and some felt like lifetimes ago. 

For 2010, I am going to change my blog address.  I hate this one.  I set it up on a whim when I was on maternity leave and very hormonal.  It's a cheesy title and I just hate it.  My next post will tell you where to find me in the future.  Stay tuned.

I Big Red Heart My New Kitchen

As many of you know, we have been remodeling our kitchen for the past few months. It's been a project of phases. 4 to be exact. First we ripped down a cabinet. Then we tiled the floor. Then we put in granite counter tops. Finally, we added trim to the cabinet doors and repainted them, replaced the drawers, and painted under the chair rail.

It's been a turbulent couple months of tearing down and rebuilding, BUT it's so worth it. I love it! And it didn't cost the $20K that we were originally quoted. This was a kitchen remodel on a budget, but you could never tell.

Let's tell the story in pictures....

The Cabinets Before...
The Cabinets After...

The Eat In Before...

The Eat In After...

The View From the Family Room Before...

The View From the Family Room After...

The Left Side of the Kitchen Before...

The Left Side of the Kitchen After...

The View In Before...

The View In After...

So as you can see, there were some big changes, some little changes, some paint, some hardware, some sweat, and some love. All of that leads to a kitchen that I can't wait to use...Oh and I'll be using it prepping for our Christmas party on December 19th! Happy Unwrapping to me!

My Day Might Suck But My Life is Awesome

I started this Birthday in a really crappy mood. I was tired and sick. So I did what I do best, I made a list of why it sucked.

And then I had a great friend, Jon, comment and give me a perspective shift. So yes, I am sick and I am tired BUT...

• I have a God that runs the universe and dwells in me
  
• I have a wonderful husband - sick or not
• I have the most beautiful daughter in the whole wide world
• I have awesome parents who love me like I love my daughter
• I have great sisters who tease me and protect me at all costs
  
• I have awesome in-laws who love me like their own child
  
• I have wonderful friends who do things like make me cakes and offer to make me dinner
• I have a great job that I love to come to 4 days a week
  
• I have a warm house and a warm bed to go to at the end of this crappy day
• I have a great nanny who loves my child like her own (even when my child's sassy)
• I have new granite counter tops going into my kitchen this week
• I have just about everything...

So yes..the day sucks but the life is awesome and I have the list to prove it.

Happy Life to Me!

It's My Birthday and it Sucks

I always love my birthday. It's a day all about me. What's not to love?

Today is my birthday and at 8:00 I can already declare that this birthday sucks. Here are my reasons why....

1. I'm tired. I have gotten a total of 8 hours of sleep in 2 nights. I've been up since 4 this morning
   
2. I'm sick. I've been coughing up a storm and my nose is icky
3. Ryan's sick. He has been the reason that I haven't slept. He's coughing louder than I am
4. I'm at work. This is typical for my birthday but when you are sick it's even worse.
5. I don't think I have any presents waiting for me (Ryan's been too sick to get anything and frankly he shouldn't because I didn't get him anything for his birthday...what goes around comes around)
6. I have to cook tonight. Our counter tops are being replaced this week and we have to go out to eat on Wednesday and Thursday and we can't afford to eat out 3 nights in a row
7. I'm sick. I know I already mentioned it but I am and I hate it

So there's my list for the day. I guess that's a positive about my day...I got to make a list...and you all know how much I love lists.

Happy Stinky Birthday to me!

Lists

If you have read this blog at all, you know I love lists. As my friend Beth said the other day, sometimes I make them just so I can cross things off of them. It brings such a sense of accomplishment. I did that. I accomplished my goals. I am good.

Then in Sunday School the other day, we were given 2 lists. It was called a Self-Assessment. There was a list called "The Orphan" and another called "The Son/Daughter".

Some of the things on "The Orphan" were:

• Lives on a success/fail basis
• Struggles to trust things to God
• Feels discouraged or defeated
• Solution to failure: "Try Harder"
• A "competent analyst" of other's weaknesses
• Tends to compare yourself with others

Some of the things on "The Son/Daughter" were:

• Not fearful of God
• Freedom from making a name for yourself
• Content in relationships because you are accepted by God
• Is teachable by others
• Content with what Christ has provided
• Doesn't always have to be right
• Is able to freely confess your faults to others
• Experiences more and more victory over the flesh
• God truly satisfies your soul

The exercise was to identify tendencies you see in yourself in the first list and places you most want to grow in the second list.

I wanted so badly to check things off and to feel the sense of accomplishment. Instead I began to feel deep conviction. I was focused on the first list. The struggles are deep. The failure is felt. I for once didn't want to check everything on the list.

And then I thought about the second list. It wasn't a list of things we are good at. It was a list of things that we wanted to have God grow in us. Wow. I'm not responsible for the second list. He is. I can ask but it's not about me doing something. It's about faith in knowing He will.

Grace. Check that off!

When I Survey

Ryan and I go to a church that is launching a church plant. In hope of not sounding too "churchy", it's just really we are starting a new church with some of the same people from our existing church in a smaller setting. The "mission" of the church is to reach the "unchurched" and the "de-churched". (Man was that a lot of quotes for 2 lines)

After much thought and prayer, we have decided to be part of this yet to be named new church. We go to launch meetings every Wednesday night and are part of a Sunday School. It's a very exciting time.

One of the things that the launch team is looking to do is to survey the community. We want to know what people like about church and what they don't like about church. We want to know where the church is failing. We want to have conversations with people we don't know about their experiences with church. It's a big assignment that pushes all of us into places we are not comfortable with. But, it's exciting at the same time.

The other day I went to get my haircut. It was literally just me and 2 hairdressers in the entire shop. I used the opportunity to survey these women. When I left, I was charged up. It was so exciting to talk to people about church and about God. And while I got some interesting information that was relevant to our survey project, I was given something more interesting, a joy of talking about my Savior. Brilliant I know. It got me thinking about how much I don't talk about God and church in my daily life.

And it's Tuesday and that means it's a day to "unwrap" our everyday. So today I am unwrapping a renewed joy in a God that is there everyday, who wants us to talk about Him everyday, who wants us to talk with Him everyday. Pretty amazing!

My Kid isn't Retarded But Maybe I am

My last post I talked about Ainsley walking and talking. I talked about insecurities and how I was sure that she wasn't keeping up to her peers.

Well, I have had many a pep talk from my friends and family. She is fine. She may not speak many actual words but I am convinced that she understands just about everything that we say. She may not walk, but I think it's not due to ability. I think it's due to being overly cautious. She definitely gets that from her father.

AND If she is delayed, would it matter? Would I love her any less? A big fat NO. She's my child. She's the gift that God has given me. I love her more than I could ever imagine. Cliche I know.

And how could anyone not love this face?

And since Ryan is away this weekend, there is a lot of time for cuddling and loving. I'm enjoying every second of it.

Better than all the Rest

Insecurity is such a plague to most women. I am not going to talk about men because, heck, I’m not a man and I have no idea how they think. Like most women, I get caught in the comparison trap. I compare myself to others and always find that I don’t measure up or that I'm way superior to others.

Now that I have become a mother, my comparisons and insecurities have translated to my little girl. Don’t get me wrong, I do think my child is the cutest, sweetest little girl ever. I just really worry about her development.

Every Sunday we drop her off at the nursery and there are the other babies in there, walking and talking, many of which are younger than she is. And then there is Ainsley. She’s 15 months old and while she does babble, she has no really consistent words. And she’s not walking. She can take a few steps here and there but for the most part, she gets where she wants to go on her knees.

Now, I don’t blame her for this at all. I blame myself. I blame my poor mothering skills. I blame the fact that I don’t work with her as much as I should.

I guess my real issue here is always wanting to be the best. I want to be better than everyone else and now I’m passing that down to my innocent child. How prideful is that??? Seriously. Hello sin, nice to meet you. Pitiful.

So even now that I am publicly admitting my sin, I am still holding on to it. I am so desperate for being good enough when I fail to recognize that there is never a good enough. We all sin. We all sin differently. Is my sin better or worse than someone else's? No. It's all sin. It's all wrong. It all causes us to need grace.

My prayer today is that I let the Grace of God abound over me. I pray that I recognize sin for what it is. I pray that I can let it go and stop this comparison trap. I pray that my struggle would draw me closer to Jesus.

Glass Half Full?

A couple years ago I was having a hard time at my job. I wasn't happy. I couldn't tell you why, but I knew I wasn't happy. There were no blaring reasons to be unhappy. I just was. My boss gave me a book to read called The 8 Characteristics of an Awesome Adjuster. Sounds odd since I'm not an adjuster. I read it anyway. The message wasn't anything new, but reading it changed my life.

My problem was a bad attitude. I was thinking of everything with the negative consequences. Never did I look for the good in the situation. The book's main message was to look for the opportunity in every situation. I made myself a little cheat sheet as a reminder and put it on my desk. Every time I was tempted to be negative, I looked at it and remembered to look for the opportunity.

A couple years have passed and I really am a changed person. My attitude is different. I am more pleasant to be around. I love my job. I'm just happier.

I bring this up now because I am still anticipating Friday. I'm still nervous as can be about putting Ainsley through this invasive procedure. I'm still filled with anxiety about the results. But I am now looking for the positive in the situation. Here are a few things I have come up with:

- The test is fairly quick. It will be a rough 30 minutes, but then it is done.
- We get the results the same day. There is no long 2 week wait to drive me crazy.
- The treatment is so much easier now that it was when I was a kid.
- There is a high probability that she will outgrow it before she needs surgery.
- We have the best urologist for this condition. He is known in the field for his ground breaking work.
- We have the Great Physician and Great Comforter on our side.

So as I get ready for Friday, I want to encourage you to take a look at your life. Inspect your attitude. Are you looking at the glass half full or half empty? Consciously chose to be positive. It's a choice that's well worth it.

Come and See

Yesterday I was talking about my Spiritual Desert. After Ryan read my blog he encouraged me by saying that we would spend some time together reading the Bible as well. He decided to read John starting at the first chapter.

As he was reading aloud, I heard one phrase repeated twice as Jesus was calling His disciples. Your guess would be that I heard "Follow Me". While I did hear that I also heard something else that I had never heard before. "Come and See". Once it was said by Jesus and once it was said by Phillip.

When we follow Jesus and "come and see" we are never disappointed. When Nathaneal came and saw what Phillip was telling him about, his life was changed forever. He came and was met by His Savior. When Nathaneal met Jesus, he asked a question. How do you know me? Jesus's answer was simple, I saw you. He knew him because He was watching him and just waiting for him.

So as I make my way out of the desert, I know I will not be disappointed. I know that I will see. I know that my life will be changed. I know that I am known and that He is watching and waiting for me. What a blessing.

John 1:46-51 (New King James Version)
46 And Nathanael said to him, “Can anything good come out of Nazareth?” Philip said to him, “Come and see.”
47 Jesus saw Nathanael coming toward Him, and said of him, “Behold, an Israelite indeed, in whom is no deceit!”
48 Nathanael said to Him, “How do You know me?”
Jesus answered and said to him, “Before Philip called you, when you were under the fig tree, I saw you.”
49 Nathanael answered and said to Him, “Rabbi, You are the Son of God! You are the King of Israel!”
50 Jesus answered and said to him, “Because I said to you, ‘I saw you under the fig tree,’ do you believe? You will see greater things than these.” 51 And He said to him, “Most assuredly, I say to you, hereafter[a] you shall see heaven open, and the angels of God ascending and descending upon the Son of Man.”

A Walk through the Desert

It's been a while since I posted. It's hard to post when you feel like everything you have to say would be negative. I have been dealing with a few minor things in my life that have brought me anxiety. I went to Jamaica for a quick 2 day stay for Taylor's wedding and Ainsley was sick. I have been dealing with many software changes at work that have not gone over well with users. I have been sick myself. I feel as if I am always disappointing my husband. I am battling with the last 8 pounds of pregnancy weight.

In the midst of all the minor negatives and all the anxiety, we are supposed to run to God. Why am I not doing that? Why do I insist on trying to do it all myself?

I have been going through a very dry spot in my spiritual walk right now. I cannot remember the last time I had my Bible open outside of a Sunday. I go to church with Ryan every Sunday and it's usually half way through the sermon that I think that I should talk to him about my general disregard for spiritual things. But I never say anything. I keep it to myself thinking, I can fix it this week. But the week passes and I find myself back in the pew thinking the same thing again. I think I have been in a time of denial. Denying my dependence on the One I should be dependent on. Living in my own independence. Living like a toddler who is always saying, I don't need help.

I need some quiet before the Lord. I am very thankful that tomorrow is Friday and I only have one thing on my schedule. My to do list is short. It contains one thing right now...spending time with my Creator and Savior.

Any words of encouragement?

Software Developers vs. Users - No Love

I have been a computer programmer for 10 years now. I can hardly believe that. I have learned a few things over the years about the relationships between the software developers and the users. Sometimes there are periods of time when those relationships are great but there is always the loom of doom out there. This week I was reminded of the doom! Here are a few reasons why:

• Users don't like change. It doesn't matter how little the change is, if you change something they won't like it at first.
• If there is a new button out there, the users will push it. They more than likely will have no idea what it will do but the temptation to click it is just too high.
• Users don't always use the systems we write the way we think they will. If it is programmed to work in a certain order, programmers have to remember that the users won't always follow that.
• Cosmetics are much more important to the user than the business logic. Even if the logic took 3 months to build, there is an assumption that it will work. By design, computer programmers are not great at aesthetics. We try really hard but we miss the boat quite often.
• Users assume that if one error message pops up, the whole thing must be crap.
• Computer programmers love when things are new and exciting. We like to make things work. We get really jazzed about the new enhancements that we do and when we get resistance to them we get disappointed.
• The software that computer programmers develop can become a sort of "baby" to us. We put our hardest effort into making sure things work and we really love our end results. Criticism hurts.

Obviously from the tone of this list, I am the computer programmer. I rolled out a bunch of new changes this week. Things didn't go 100% as planned. It was a rough 2 days. But that was it. It's over. The dust has settled and the users are getting used to the changes. They will become complacent with these changes and go back to being happy. Little do they know, I've moved on to the next set of changes that will come their way!

Glimpse

We all have our things that we do that we secretly don't tell anyone. Little things that make us who we are. Sometimes people get glimpses of them, but mostly we try to hide them. Let me give you a glimpse of mine.

I like to organize. Like seriously like to organize. Not the things in my house, but my life. I like to have plans and follow through with them. I especially like lists. For example, here is my most recent crazy that I am actually kind of proud of. It's our packing list for vacation. Yes it's in Excel. Yes there are 6 tabs. Yes there is a column on each sheet to check off each item.


So I got to thinking. Did I pass this obsessive need to organize on to my child? Just look at what she did and you tell me. She put all her kidney beans in her cup holder when I wasn't looking.
What traits have you passed to your children? Are you proud of them or do you wish you hadn't been so dominant in the gene pool?

And They Were Fed

We have had gardens in the past. Small 10x10 plots that we planted a few things in and didn't put much effort into. This year we decided to go much bigger with our garden. I was unsure when Ryan first proposed the idea. I thought it would be a lot of hard work and that we wouldn't get that much reward from it.

I was wrong. I love our garden. It is hard work, but it is so rewarding. I love going out every day and seeing what new thing is growing. When I cook dinner and know that the things that we are eating came from my yard, I smile. I love it. My physical body is being fed.

This makes me think about my relationship with Christ. I wonder if he thinks the same of us as He is our Gardener. Does He delight in me when He looks how I am growing? Is He excited to see fruit in my life? I am thankful when He prunes dead branches and pulls the weeds. I love that I am cared for by the Greatest Gardener of all. My spiritual body is fed.

Here are some pictures and a video

Here is a shot of the garden from a distance with the chicken coup to the left.

In this picture you can see from left to right, Corn, Peppers (4 varieties), Okra, Broccoli, and Kale

In this picture the far off mass of greens is carrots and potatoes.

And in case you are really interested in the whole thing, Ryan and I created a walk through video. It's a tad cheesy but oh well. Enjoy.

The Above and Beyond

Everyone knows the expression "Going Postal". Ryan has often said that he would like to work at the Post Office. Yesterday he changed his mind and said that if he worked there he would certainly go Postal.

We are going to Jamaica in the end of July for Taylor and Jenny's wedding. Going to Jamaica now requires a passport, even if you are just 1 year old. Ryan has his passport, mine is expired, and Ainsley needs hers. I did my homework before just going to the post office to get mine renewed and one for Ainsley. I read all the requirements, filled out all the forms, got our pictures taken, and even called for an appointment. Being that Ainsley is a minor, it requires both parents to be there.

I had my appointment scheduled for 3:45 on Monday afternoon. It required Ryan and me taking off from work a little early but we had to do it because we were running out of time. We showed up 10 minutes early and signed in. After waiting for 20 minutes without even an acknowledgment they finally asked us for our names, couldn't look at the list we had signed of course. The "nice" government employee informed me that we were not on the list and that we would need to come back. I tried to explain that I had made an appointment and we had both taken off from work. It turns out we had an appointment at another facility.

She did not care. Her attitude reflected one thing...She is paid to do the minimum. There is no above and beyond. There is no friendly smile. There is no extra effort to move a tad quicker to squeeze us in.

As I thought about that, I thought about how we are called to do our best. We are to do our best in everything. Our best should always include the above and beyond. The minimum should never be enough. We are to do everything as unto the Lord. If our job is cleaning a dirty diaper, it unto the Lord. If our job is being a bank teller, it is unto the Lord. If our job is on the phones all day, it is unto the Lord. If our job is computer programming, it is unto the Lord. If our job is taking passport applications, it is unto the Lord.

I pray my work reflects that attitude. Does yours?

Where Have I Been?

I know it's been too long since I posted. Where have I been you ask? I usually post on Fridays because it's my day off but 2 weeks ago I came down with the flu. Who gets the flu in May you ask? I do. I had a fever for 3 days ranging anywhere from 99 to 103.5. It mostly hung around at 102. I haven't had that kind of temperature in my adult life. Needless to say, it freaked me out more than any other sickness I have had lately.

Even though the flu had passed by Sunday, I still felt quite worn out for the next few days. I am finally back to myself and then I had to think of what to post. No brilliant ideas came to mind so I decided to post a few videos. I was going to post yesterday but my battery on my video camera was dead and I couldn't get these videos off until this morning.

Enjoy!

Here is a video trying to show you Ainsley's new laugh. Listen carefully because it's not really pronounced but it's the best that we have. We will try to get a better video of it soon. Until then...

Here is a video of Ainsley and I in the pool. It took her a while to want to go in but once she was in she loved it. Next thing you know she will be following in her daddy's footsteps and swimming on the swim team at age 5.

The Battle

I have always been someone who battles weight. I have never really been at a consistent weight for more than a year. I yo-yo. I am either gaining or losing. I hate this about myself.

I grew up in a family where you just don't talk about it. I married into a family where it's definitely ok to bring it up and ask questions about it. Some members of my husband's family, especially my husband, don't understand this struggle at all. They are all naturally thin or have incredible self-discipline. I have often said that I feel like a giant compared to all of them. (I have probably made them mad by talking about it too. Sorry family. And family, I don't want to talk about this with you. Again, sorry)

When I got married I was a decent weight. I lost my job a year and a half later and got bigger. We moved to NY and I was surrounded by a bunch of people who ate a lot at work. I got huge. I went on Weight Watchers and lost 47 pounds. I was too skinny, like seriously scary skinny, like they were threatening to kick me out of Weight Watchers skinny. I slowly started to get to a healthier weight and then I blew right by it. I got pregnant. I got big (and no it wasn't all baby).

So that brings me to today. I gave birth 10 months ago. I'm still carrying some weight that I don't want to be carrying. I need to seriously address in my head why. I don't want to just lose the weight and not deal with it. I need to or it will yo-yo right back on.

I am going to spend the next couple weeks really praying through this issue. While I have started running, I can't start a "diet" until my head is on right. I need to be sure I don't get back to that "scary skinny" place again and I need to make sure I don't stay here in the "baby weight" place either. I just want to be happy and healthy.

Am I Addicted?

I read this article on CNN.com today. It talks about how new mothers are at risk for internet addiction. Are you kidding me is what I thought before I read it. Then I read it. It described me to a T. I am now back at work and not a stay at home mom like the article states, but I think my maternity leave left me with a big addiction problem.

My problem is not that big of a deal on the actual computer. It's my darn iPhone. I am constantly on it checking my email, checking the stocks, checking my blogs, checking Facebook, playing a game, etc.

I am virtually standing up and saying "My name in Tracey and I'm an Internet Addict". I am going to go radio silent for a week. I think it's the only thing that I can do to get myself in check. I'll be checking my work email on my phone but that's it. I'm going to check my email on my home computer and my work computer but that's it (no Facebook either). No iPhone for a week.

My week starts....NOW!!!

Know When to Fold 'Em

I never thought I would be quoting Kenny Rogers, but alas it's appropriate. As you know, I have been taking care of our friend's baby Logan in the afternoons when I get home from work. I had him every weekday afternoon from 3:15 to anywhere from 5:30 to 7:30. I have mentioned before that I was overwhelmed.

About a month ago, I told Jason and Leah that I wasn't going to be able to do it any longer. I hated having to give up and that is really what it felt like at first. I felt like a failure and I absolutely hate feeling like a failure.

My reasoning really came down to one thing, I was lost. Yes there was the fact of caring for 2 infants, but that wasn't my driving force. My driving force was that I had zero time in my day to even breath. My schedule went something like this...

5:47 - Alarm goes off
6:05 - Get out of bed reluctantly after hitting snooze twice
7:05 - Leave the house after rushing through a shower, breakfast, nursing Ainsley, and getting both of us dressed
7:20 - Arrive at MaryBeth's house for a quick drop off and rush to work
7:45 - Arrive at work for a high pressured day of programming computers (stopping twice to pump - BLAH!!!)
2:30 - Leave work to rush to MaryBeth's to pick up Ainsley
2:45 - Spend 2 minutes with MaryBeth getting the run down of Ainsley's day
3:15 - Arrive at home to meet Leah and Logan (sometimes in my driveway when I got there)
7:00 - Put Ainsley to bed (sometimes with Logan still here)
8:00 - Pull dinner out to eat
9:30 - Pump again
10:30 - Off to bed to start it all over again

So what that tells me is that there was not a single second to just relax. I know as a mother that's not unusual. But there was no time for me to change out of work clothes, go to the bathroom, or even eat lunch.

My big thing was that I was feeling like there was nothing left for Ryan. I think it's easy to fall into the trap of letting your baby become everything while neglecting your husband. This is very dangerous but I think a lot of mothers do it. My mother in law and I were just talking about it yesterday. Ryan and I have a great marriage after 9 years, but I would be lying if I said that the addition of a baby hasn't made things much harder. The addition of 2 made it near impossible. This is something I'm not willing to sacrifice for anything.

My second biggest thing was the lunch thing. My work has weird policies about smells and foods at your desk so I couldn't eat anything but snacks. After my second day in a row of eating a full row of Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies for lunch, I knew it was time for a change.

My third thing was the lack of time for physical activity. I had no time to exercise or even enjoy the NC spring weather. My goal now is to start using my baby jogger at least 3 times a week. My friend Jessica and I are committing to run an easy 2 mile race in June. I know it's not much but it gives me a goal.

So on Monday I start my new schedule. I have to work to 3:30 to incorporate a 30 minute lunch break and to make up some of the cost of the additional day care costs. I am actually really excited to make this change. I will miss seeing Logan, Leah, and Jason on a daily basis but I think they understand. Here's to knowing your limits!

Argh!

Why is it on the afternoon that I want to take a nap so badly, Ainsley won't nap? She sat in her crib and cried or talked for over an hour. Who can sleep with a baby jabbering in your ear via the monitor. Not me!